Mothers, Fathers, and the Qur’an: Raising Muslim Children in the West | By Umm Sahl
This is an edited transcript of a talk delivered by Ustadha Umm Sahl (from Amman, Jordan) for the Sufuuf Parents’ Circle.
Assalāmu ʿalaykum wa rahmatullah, everyone.
What I’ll speak about today is closely related to a long, ongoing discussion we had here in Amman over fifteen years ago, around 2010–2011, on Raising Muslim Children. Many of those sessions were recorded and later shared publicly under that title.
I’d like to begin by explaining how that series started, because the story itself contains lessons that are very relevant to our topic today.
1. How the “Raising Muslim Children” Discussions Began
At that time, a number of families had moved to Jordan. Many were quite young, newly married, and beginning to have children. Our community has always been mixed: Arabs, people from the Indian Subcontinent, and Western Muslims.
As I watched the younger Western families in particular, I noticed something that troubled me:
they were relying almost entirely on Western, English-language parenting literature to shape how they raised their children.
These books were not written by Muslims, nor did they emerge from an Islamic worldview or civilization. And slowly, I could see practices and attitudes being laid down in the hearts of their children that were not in harmony with Islam.
An Example: Interrupting Adults
One simple example: two adults would be speaking together. A child would run up and interrupt. Immediately, the parent would turn away from the adult and give full attention to the child—out of fear that, if they didn’t respond at once, they would somehow harm the child emotionally.
On the surface that sounds compassionate. But what is being taught to the child?
That he may interrupt adults at any time.
That his desires come before everyone else’s.
That he never has to wait or exercise patience.
That social order and respect for elders are optional.
From an Islamic point of view, this is very unhealthy. Islam teaches adab—social grace. Whether you are a child or an adult, you don’t simply barge into a conversation and expect the world to stop. You approach, you stand respectfully, and you wait until the person you need disengages and turns to you.
So I gathered the mothers together and said to them, gently but clearly:
“You are planting the culture, manners, and worldview of people who are not Muslim into your children. And later, you will have to live with the result. It will not be something Islamic.”
That conversation became the beginning of a regular lesson and open discussion on raising Muslim children.
2. Your Children Are an Amanah, Not Your Possession
One of the very first points I made to those young mothers—many holding their first babies in their arms, overflowing with natural love—was this:
“Your children do not belong to you.”
They all looked at me with confusion. Of course they feel that this child is theirs. But in reality:
These children are an amanah (a trust) from Allah.
They belong to Allah, not to us.
We will one day be asked about this amānah.
Yes, parents and children love one another and share their lives. There are mutual rights and obligations. But ownership belongs to Allah.
So the starting point in how we think about our children is:
“These souls have been placed in my care by Allah. My duty is to raise them as best I can for His sake.”
That framing changes everything—how you see your role, your sacrifices, your decisions.
3. The Foundation of Successful Parenting: A Righteous Marriage
In all the years that I’ve been asked for advice about raising children, there is one principle I always return to:
The most important factor in a successful family is a successful marriage.
You cannot convey faith, values, and stability to your children if:
There is no mutual respect between husband and wife.
There is no kindness and affection.
There is no shared vision or cooperation in carrying this amanah.
Children absorb what they live in. If the home is full of tension, anger, and disrespect, this undermines everything—even if the parents are doing many outwardly “Islamic” things like sending them to Qur’an class or moving to a Muslim country.
We listened, in those early sessions, to some talks in Arabic by Shaykh Hasan Hindi on raising Muslim children, and I translated and explained them. One of his points was:
Before you ever have children, make much duʿa’ for a righteous spouse.
Serve other Muslims and help meet their needs, so Allah may help you in your own.
And he emphasized the same thing: the happy home. Many parents focus on environment, curriculum, activities, even moving countries—but they neglect the heart of the home.
What will your children remember when they grow up?
Not the exact sofa, not the brand of their notebooks, and not even every teacher’s name.
They will remember the atmosphere of their home:
Were their parents kind to one another?
Did they see mutual respect and mercy?
Did they feel that their home was a place of safety and warmth?
If a child sees constant conflict, harshness, or coldness between parents, then, as they grow older, they may think:
“We did Qur’an. We went to the masjid. We lived among Muslims.
But Islam didn’t bring peace to our home. So maybe Islam isn’t the answer.”
And in Western countries, where there are endless alternatives, many young people simply walk away. In some places, it is said that one in four Muslim children leaves Islam. May Allah protect our families.
So I say to you: Work first on yourselves and on your marriage.
Cultivate good character: patience, self-sacrifice, gratitude, non-complaining.
Keep taqwa—carefully observing the limits of Allah.
Show your children that their parents are trying to obey Allah together.
The Prophet ﷺ was asked about what most leads people to Paradise, and he said:
“Taqwa of Allah and good character.”
If you want your children to succeed in this life and the next, begin by working on these two qualities in yourselves and in your marriage.
4. Children Absorb What You Live, Not What You Say
When children grow up seeing:
Parents who fear Allah,
Parents who avoid sin and keep His limits,
Parents who regularly pray, make duʿā’, and seek forgiveness,
Parents who treat each other with affection and mercy,
it becomes very hard for them to turn away from such parents. Obedience to parents is part of the fitrah—the natural disposition. To go against that is a real internal struggle, if the parents have truly been good.
In societies where extended family, tribe, and community are strong, it’s even harder to go completely outside the norms. In small nuclear families in the West, with many options and little extended support, it is much easier.
Still, the principle remains: most of what children take from you is not from your lectures, but from your state.
5. Connecting Children to the Qur’an and Arabic
One of the questions I was asked is:
How can we spiritually connect our children to the Qur’an when we are non-Arab families living in Europe or the West?
The answer has two sides:
The side of Arabic and consistent exposure.
The side of your own relationship with the Qur’an.
5.1 The Secret of Languages: Consistency
Learning any language requires consistent, ongoing contact.
I’ll share a personal example. Over 40 years ago, my sheikh in Turkey would tell me again and again:
“Learn Turkish, learn Turkish, learn Turkish…”
Back then, there was no internet, no online schools. I bought a Teach Yourself Turkish book and stumbled along alone, with some very basic “Tarzan Turkish.”
Later I moved to Egypt to study Arabic, then to Jordan in 1986. Arabic took over—it truly is, in my view, the effort of a lifetime. Some people are gifted with languages; I am very average, and my memory is not strong. But I kept going.
At some point, after many years, I had stopped Turkish for about 20 years. When online learning became easier, I thought, “If my sheikh insisted I learn Turkish, there must be some barakah in it.” So I found an online tutor and started again. Just one weekly lesson, but consistent.
My tutor told me about another student, an Austrian lady, who took Turkish lessons every day for 40 minutes, then three times a week, and even passed formal exams in Istanbul. But when she stopped for a while, she forgot much of it.
That is the reality:
If you stop using a language, you lose it.
So for your children, if you want them to have Arabic:
They need regular connection—a weekly class, plus some daily exposure.
If you can, invest in good teachers, even online, over several years.
The empty “rooms” in a child’s memory are waiting to be filled. If you don’t fill them with Qur’an, Arabic, beneficial stories, they’ll be filled with something else.
Giving your children Arabic and Qur’an at a young age is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give them—whether they fully appreciate it immediately or not.
5.2 What Arabic Opens
When you understand Arabic, even a little:
You read the Qur’an as the words of Allah, not just as a translation.
When you listen to tafsīr, you can appreciate why a word is singular or plural, why a certain preposition is used, the order of phrases—these are all part of the miraculous nature of the Qur’an.
You can access centuries of Islamic scholarship, spirituality, and civilization directly, not only through translation.
I remember, after about 15 years of studying Arabic, listening to Shaykh ʿAbd al-Raḥmān read and explain a spiritual text in Arabic. I had the book in front of me and thought:
“If it took 20 years to reach the point where I can understand this, it would have been worth it.”
All of this is to say: Arabic is a tool that opens the door to your own civilization. We have our own legal, moral, family, and spiritual tradition. Arabic connects us to it deeply.
And for your children: even if, later in their teenage years, they run toward the dunya for a while, what you gave them early—prayer, Qur’an, Arabic—remains inside as a point of return.
6. Filling Their Hearts and Minds with What Matters
A neurologist once told a student that a child’s memory is like empty rooms. If you fill those rooms when they are young, those contents remain accessible. If you leave them empty, they close with nothing in them.
So fill those “rooms” with:
Qur’an
Nasheeds and qasā’id
Prophetic stories
Islamic stories and values
Beneficial knowledge and good language
Rather than filling their minds with meaningless songs and rubbish rhymes, let them chant Qur’an, hadith, and noble poetry—even if they sing all day and sometimes drive you to distraction with their duff and songs. It is still better than empty or harmful content.
I often tell parents: give them Qur’an and Arabic, and you have given them something they can return to for the rest of their lives.
7. Our Own Civilization and Family Structure
We need to remember: we have our own civilization.
We are not obliged to adopt every idea coming from modern Western culture, especially when that culture is now actively promoting things like LGBT ideology even to small children.
When I saw Western schools beginning to teach these concepts, and then to promote irreversible physical changes in children who haven’t even reached puberty, I said to myself:
“This civilization will be destroyed by Allah. It cannot last.”
Whatever happens globally, we as Muslims have:
Our own moral code
Our own legal system
Our own family structure
Our own understanding of authority and roles
In our tradition:
There is hierarchy and responsibility.
Men have a role of leadership in the family.
Women have a noble, complementary role as partners and helpers.
Children have a duty to obey their parents in what is permissible.
We are all equal before Allah, but not interchangeable in our social responsibilities. Recognizing this helps us resist being swept away by foreign ideas that undermine the family.
8. Making the Qur’an a Natural Reference Point
Another question was:
How do we raise children so that, as adults, they naturally turn to the Qur’an as their first reference for life’s questions and experiences?
The answer begins again with you, the parents.
If you:
Attend tafsīr lessons,
Read Qur’an with understanding,
Refer to the Qur’an in daily speech
Make decisions by what Allah has revealed,
your children will see that the Qur’an is central in your life.
We recently saw a powerful example in Gaza. Many of their leaders and fighters are people of Qur’an—they memorize it, live by it, and refer to it constantly. It is said that Gaza has perhaps the highest proportion of huffaz of Qur’an in the world.
In a podcast, people close to one leader (now martyred) said: Most of his speech was Qur’an. When he had resources, he would spend half on Qur’anic institutions and learning.
Such people are grounded in:
Qiyām al-layl (night prayers)
Tajwīd and memorization
A life structured around Qur’anic guidance
So for your own families:
Keep a living relationship with the Qur’an.
Let your children see that you refer back to it for comfort, guidance, and decisions.
The more they see that, the more natural it becomes for them.
9. Cultivating a Healthy Fear and Love of Allah in Children
Another question:
How do we cultivate taqwa and fear of Allah in our children without making them fearful in an unhealthy way?
Again, the main instrument is the atmosphere of the home.
If your child constantly hears:
“Let’s make this intention for the sake of Allah.”
“We don’t do that, because Allah does not love it.”
“Alhamdulillah, all of these blessings are from Allah.”
“The point of life is to meet Allah and return to Him well.”
and sees:
Parents praying with presence,
Parents avoiding sins,
Parents repenting, giving charity, turning to Allah in hardship,
then the child naturally develops a balanced sense of awe and love:
Allah is the One who provides.
Allah is the One we want to please.
Allah is the One we fear disobeying.
Children learn this more from your state than from your lectures.
10. Sibling Fights and Limits
Another practical question:
How should we deal with daily fights between siblings? What’s normal and what isn’t?
Some conflict is normal. But parents need clear boundaries.
I’ll share an example from Shaykh Nuh’s childhood. He greatly admired his mother. She was affectionate, supportive, and constantly expressed love to her children—but she was also very firm.
When the children fought seriously, she didn’t sit down to investigate, “Who started it?” Her rule was simple:
Fighting beyond a certain point → everyone into the office.
Out came a long clothes brush: each child got a few firm swats.
No debate, no victim–oppressor narrative. The message was:
“This kind of fighting is not allowed in our home.”
The children quickly learned to control themselves, because they didn’t want to end up in the office. Sometimes one would hit the other and then say, “Be quiet! Don’t cry—Mum will come!”
The point isn’t to copy this exact method; the point is:
You must set limits.
Children should know that certain behaviours are simply not acceptable inside the home.
Where possible, it helps if children have space to run and play hard outside—to burn off energy. But inside, there should be adab and calm.
11. Overwhelm and Guilt: A Mother’s Reality
A sister asked:
“As an Eastern mother living in the West, I often feel overwhelmed. Between feeding my daughter halal food, keeping the house, caring for my husband and myself, I feel exhausted and guilty. How can this be managed in a spiritually sound way?”
First, we need to be honest about what motherhood actually is.
When a woman marries and has children, she is in reality taking on a 20-year project of self-sacrifice. That’s the truth. It doesn’t mean there is no joy, but it is a great responsibility.
Everyone loves the idea of marriage and children. But:
Not everyone realizes what it means to actually be a wife.
Not everyone realizes what it means to actually be a mother.
To make this sustainable:
Simplify your life.
Less stuff = less to clean, maintain, and organize.
Avoid overcomplicating the home.
Use tools and help where you can.
Machines, systems, anything that reduces manual labor.
In some countries, household help is possible; in many Western countries, it is not.
Involve your children in the work.
By age 10, boys and girls should be doing real chores.
Even at 3–5, you can assign small jobs (wiping doorknobs, folding towels, etc.).
You are not meant to be a slave in your own home while the children lounge around. Teaching them to work is part of their tarbiya and also preserves your energy for higher priorities—like their learning and your own spiritual life.
And remember: your children are an amanah, not your possessions. You are sacrificing for Allah, not for your nafs. That makes the hardship meaningful.
12. Parenting Books and Modern Advice
Another question asked about recommended parenting books.
Personally, I am cautious with modern Western parenting literature. Many of these books have excellent observations about psychology but are built on a worldview that centers the child’s nafs—their ego and desires.
One example I gave years ago:
Asking a 5-year-old every day, “What would you like to eat?”
This teaches the child:
“The world revolves around my preferences.”
“Everything should be tailored to what I feel like right now.”
In a large Muslim family, this is impossible—are you going to cook five different meals each time? But more importantly, it’s not healthy for the child’s soul.
In Islam, we aim to cultivate a noble human being, not a self-worshipping ego. Children should feel loved, cherished, and safe—but not made into little pharaohs whose every whim is catered to.
So turn more to our own tradition of tarbiya:
discipline, adab, responsibility, service—with warmth and affection.
13. Single Mothers and Wealth
A single mother asked what she should do with no support from the father.
My answer is simple but deep:
Do your best and make a lot of duʿa’.
Turn constantly to Allah for help, strength, and guidance.
Allah will open doors and send unexpected assistance when you rely on Him.
On the question of wealth:
Wealth is a means, not a goal.
Having resources can help:
You can afford private lessons, better environments, perhaps homeschooling.
But we must not let the pursuit of wealth consume our lives so that family and worship are neglected.
Use what Allah gives you wisely, in service of your children’s dīn and your family’s stability.
14. Parents With Weak Qur’anic Pronunciation
One question was:
If a parent has weak tajwīd, should they recite silently until they improve, or can they recite aloud in front of the children?
If the children have a qualified teacher, your imperfect recitation is unlikely to damage them, especially if they hear correct recitation regularly from their teacher or recordings.
However, improving your own recitation is part of your duty. There are many online Qur’an teachers now; I encourage parents to:
At least learn to recite what is needed for salah properly.
If you can, study tajwīd more fully for your own sake and as an example to your children.
15. Closing: Taqwa, Duʿa’, and Trust in Allah
Raising children today is not easy—East or West.
Children have unprecedented options to drift away, distractions that we could not even imagine thirty years ago. You carry a very heavy responsibility.
But remember:
“Nothing is difficult when you seek it through your Lord,
and nothing is easy when you seek it only through yourself.”
So:
Make constant duʿa’ for your children and your marriage.
Increase in taqwa—being mindful of Allah, keeping His limits in your own life.
Keep returning to Allah and to the Sunnah of His Messenger ﷺ.
We were not given children, by Allah’s wisdom. Over the years, watching many people struggle with the immense challenges of parenting in this age, I came to appreciate even more how great your work is—and how great your reward can be.
The real key to successful tarbiya is:
The taqwā and duʿa’ of the parents.
A calm, loving, respectful marriage.
A home whose atmosphere reflects iman, Qur’an, and good character.
If you strive for this, and keep turning to Allah, you have taken the means that lead to success in both this world and the next, in shā’ Allāh.
May Allah grant you all tawfiq, protect your children, fill your homes with mercy and Qur’an, and make you and your families people of paradise.
Wa-s-salamu ʿalaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
